Islamic Psychotherapy Online

(Revised Version)
Volume 10, October 2009

St. Louis, Missouri

Editor: Mohamed Ziauddin

In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent and the Most Merciful

FOCUS OF THE WEEK:

Enhancing the Happiness of your wife

GEMS FROM THE HOLY QURAN:

(1) Surah Al-Baqarah 2:230

“And women have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable”.

(2) Surah Ar Rum 30:21

“And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind, so that you might include towards them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think”.

(3) Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187

“…They (wife) are as a garment for you, and you are as a garment for them”.

(4) Surah Al Nisa: 4:1

“O Mankind, be conscious of your Sustainer, who has created you out of one living entity (nafs) and out of it created its mate, and out of the two spread abroad a multitude of men and women. And remain conscious of God, in whose name you demand your rights from one another, and of these ties of kinship, verily, GOD IS EVER WATCHFUL OVER YOU”.

(5) Surah Al Tawbah 9:71:

“And (as for) the believers, both men and women – they are friends and protectors of one another: they (all) enjoin the doing of what is right and forbid the doing of what is wrong, and are constant in prayer, and render the purifying dues, and pay heed unto God and His Apostle. It is they upon whom God will bestow His Grace; verily, God is Almighty, Wise”.

(6) Surah Al-Baqarah 2:231

“Do not retain them against their will in order to hurt….”

(7) Surah Al Nisa 4:128

“And if a woman has reason to fear ill-treatment from her husband, or that he might turn away from her, it shall not be wrong for the two to set things peacefully to rights between themselves, for peace is best, and selfishness is ever-present in human souls…”

(8) Surah An Nisa: 4:19

“It is NOT lawful for you to try to hold your wives against their will, and neither shall you keep them under constraint with a view of taking away anything of what you may have given them, unless it be that they have become guilty of immoral conduct in an obvious manner. Consort with wives in a good manner, for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet make a source of abundant good”.

(9) Surah Al Nisa 4:34

“Men are the (quawwamuna) support of women as God gives some more means than others, and because they spend of their wealth (to provide for them). So women who are virtuous are obedient to God and guard the hidden as God has guarded it. As for women you feel are averse, talk to them persuasively; then leave them alone in bed (without having sexual relations with them) and go to bed with them (when they are willing). If they open out to you, do not seek an excuse for blaming them. Surely God is Sublime and Great”.

(10) Surah Al Nisa 4:77

“Art thou not aware of those who have been told “Curb your hands….”

(11) Surah Al Imran 3:134

“…and hold in check their anger….”

(12) Surah 42;41-42:

“But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame. The blame is only against those who oppress in wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds, defying right and justice; for such there will be a penalty grievous”.

(13) Surah Al Baqqrah 2:217“Oppression is worse than killing”.

GEMS FROM HADITH: SAYINGS OF PROPHET MOHAMED (pbuh)

(1) “The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family:”

(2) “NEVER beat God’s handmaidens”.

(3) “O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women BUT THEY ALSO HAVE RIGHTS OVER YOU. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right, then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers”.

(4) “Your wife has a right against you and your children have a right against you. Give to everyone their rightful claims”.

APPLICATION OF ISLAMIC GEMS IN MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS:

In an increased Islamophobic era, it is all the more important for the Muslim husbands to truly practice what Islam is, in terms of their respectful and caring relationship with their wives.

A significantly large percentage of anti-Islamic propaganda focuses on the status of women and this includes the attitude of the Muslim husband towards his wife. This is an area of improvement for most Muslim husbands. Certain negative behaviors of Muslim husbands are more from their regional, national and cultural background than from Islam.

Unfortunately for the Islam bashers some of whom are myopic, they don’t see the difference. Nevertheless, it is the responsibility of the Muslim husband to have a sound knowledge of Islam in terms of the above and clearly be able to distinguish and separate out the cultural from the Islamic value system and practice what is Islamic and weed out the negative cultural practices.

Needless to say, one of the most important aspect of husband-wife relationship is the communication between them. Towards this end, it is important that the husband ensures that he understands and communicates with his wife in a way that strengthens their relationship.

DIFFERENCE OF OPINION will always be there in relationships whether it is employer-employee, husband-wife, father-daughter, brother-sister or between friends. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS HOW ONE RESPONDS TO DIFFERENCE OF OPINIONS. Such a response may MAKE OR BREAK A RELATIONSHIP. Divorce and the end of relationship occurs not because of the common points between the couple but because of the way they or one of them responded to difference of opinions between themselves.

Areas of conflict for a couple may be due to a number of reasons and may pertain to finances, in-law issues, trust, parenting issues, career related issues, Islamic issues, domination and control issues et.c. It is important that the couple be clear to distinguish the areas that are WITHIN THEIR CONTROL and areas that are BEYOND THEIR CONTROL in terms of dealing with the causes and perpetuation of their ongoing marital stresses. It is strongly recommended that the couple invest their limited energy on focusing on areas THAT ARE WITHIN THEIR CONTROL.

In many long term marital conflict situations, it is the same conflictual issues that raise its ugly head over and over again in a cyclic manner. Unfortunately due to absence of seeking appropriate psycho therapeutic help and learning new tools to respond, the couple continues to respond to such cyclic conflictual issues in the same inappropriate and ineffective ways that they used in the past without much success. Not surprisingly, the same conflictual issue may temporarily fade away only to return back yet once again and further feed into the cycle of marital stresses for the distressed couple.

IT IS IN THE ABOVE CONTEXT, THAT ISLAMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY COULD BE OF TREMENDOUS HELP TO ASSIST THE COUPLE TO LEARN NEW TOOLS TO EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH DIFFERENCE OF OPINIONS IN A HEALTHY MANNER. SUCH TECHNIQUES ARE COMPLETELY FREE OF VERBAL OR PHYSICAL ABUSE OR DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY.

Use the power of “good sense of humor”. Be cheerful as often as possible, have fun and enjoyment with your wife. Prophet Mohamed (SAW) would (have a running) race with his wife Aisha (RAA) in the desert.

The husband should also make himself presentable. Just as a husband wants his wife to look nice for him, he needs to realize that his wife also wants the same. Prophet Mohamed (SAW) would always brush with miswak before returning home and loved the sweetest of smells.

If you feel that your wife made a mistake and is wrong, instead of being verbally abusive or losing temper and using curse words, it is preferable that you remain silent and don’t comment on her wrong. On the other hand, when she does something good, don’t take it for granted and keep quiet. Instead recognize the good you observed in her actions, appreciate her and reinforce the same by thanking her. Being silent on her wrong with above positive affirmation on her good action, would very likely make her realize the difference. When Prophet Mohamed (SAW) would see something inappropriate from his wives – Radi Allahu Anhun, he would remain silent and not comment.

Affection can be shown by many ways including frequently smiling and embracing your wife. Prophet Mohamed (SAW) stated that smiling is charity and why not earn free rewards on a daily basis besides working to strengthen your relationship with your wife.

Call your wife by the sweetest of names. Prophet Mohamed (SAW_ had called his wives by nicknames that they loved.

As part of regular communication specially during changing phases of life and circumstances, ask your wife to write down the top five wishes she would love from you and try your best to implement it to the best of your ability.

Comfort her in the most challenging times to the best of your ability. Don’t downplay or ignore her inner most wishes and desires. Once Prophet Mohamed (SAW) observed his wife Safiyyah (RAA) was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her and brought her another camel.

Marital life will have its challenges on a continual basis and a good communication backed with working towards common marital objectives will facilitate and make it easier for both partners to be able to work together on resolving such challenges.

(Husband and wife Justin Valanzola and Sarah Boyle read the Quran soon after getting home from work. The couple converted to Islam while attending the university).(yahoo.news)

Last but not the least; make regular duaa to Allah to assist you both in bringing lasting peace of mind and happiness in your marital life.

As usual, feel free to email your valuable comments to mehrunyusuficds.com