ISLAMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY ONLINE
Volume 14, February 2010
St. Louis, Missouri, USA
Editor: Mohamed Ziauddin
Volume 14, February 2010
St. Louis, Missouri, USA
Editor: Mohamed Ziauddin
SPOTLIGHT FOR THIS MONTH:
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:
EDITORIAL: I have yet to meet one single individual who stated that he never dealt with any difficult person in his life. We found the analysis and solutions from below article from Dr. K. Clark (Rational Emotive Therapy) to be very helpful to deal with difficult people.
Demanding that someone change, and telling ourselves that if he does not change, it’s awful, I can't stand it, he should be damned, causes us to be emotionally upset. INSTEAD WE SHOULD CHANGE IT TO DESIRING, WANTING AND PREFERRING THAT SOMEONE CHANGES, SUCH A SOFTER EXPECTATION LEADS TO MORE CALMNESS.
Difficult people tend to be an obstacle to our goals, threaten our self-esteem and self-acceptance, act in arrogant and annoying ways and use undesirable methods to control situations and us. The following are the steps to deal with difficult people: Manage your emotional reaction to them first. It is more comfortable to relate to others without feeling a lot of anxiety, anger, intense frustration, or having our self-esteem and self-acceptance threatened. Further we can think more clearly and behave more effectively when dealing with difficult people if we are not severely emotionally upset with them.
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:
Demanding that someone change, and telling ourselves that if he does not change, it’s awful, I can't stand it, he should be damned, causes us to be emotionally upset. INSTEAD WE SHOULD CHANGE IT TO DESIRING, WANTING AND PREFERRING THAT SOMEONE CHANGES, SUCH A SOFTER EXPECTATION LEADS TO MORE CALMNESS.
Difficult people tend to be an obstacle to our goals, threaten our self-esteem and self-acceptance, act in arrogant and annoying ways and use undesirable methods to control situations and us. The following are the steps to deal with difficult people: Manage your emotional reaction to them first. It is more comfortable to relate to others without feeling a lot of anxiety, anger, intense frustration, or having our self-esteem and self-acceptance threatened. Further we can think more clearly and behave more effectively when dealing with difficult people if we are not severely emotionally upset with them.
Did you know that our emotions and behavior result mainly from our beliefs and self-talk, rather than from the actual events and people in our lives. It is really not difficult people, who cause our distress, but rather our beliefs and self-talk about them and their actions.
We are responsible for creating our own emotions.
DON’T FORGET, IF DIFFICULT PEOPLE UPSET US, WE HAVE GIVEN THEM PERMISSION TO DO SO.
DON’T FORGET, IF DIFFICULT PEOPLE UPSET US, WE HAVE GIVEN THEM PERMISSION TO DO SO.
Coming back to OUR OWN BELIEFS AND SELF-TALK, what do we tell ourselves that disturbs us so much when we are around troublemakers and other difficult people ?
Let’s look at irrational beliefs which cause us to become unduly upset with a difficult person or a difficult acting person.
Let’s look at irrational beliefs which cause us to become unduly upset with a difficult person or a difficult acting person.
We all experience frustration in dealing with others. Frustration with others is not getting what you want from them. Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT) results from them. LFT results from believing:
“Others absolutely must give me what I want and behave as I want, and if they don’t, it’s awful and I-can’t-stand-it’.
“Others absolutely must give me what I want and behave as I want, and if they don’t, it’s awful and I-can’t-stand-it’.
You should work on increasing your LFT, something over which you have considerable control. Changing the other person is something over which you usually have little or no control.
To detect your beliefs which cause low frustration tolerance, ask yourself:
1) What exactly am I saying to myself about this person?
2)What am I yelling myself about his or her actions?
3)What am I insisting or demanding that this person do or stop doing?”
To detect your beliefs which cause low frustration tolerance, ask yourself:
1) What exactly am I saying to myself about this person?
2)What am I yelling myself about his or her actions?
3)What am I insisting or demanding that this person do or stop doing?”
Difficult people often give confusing, contradictory messages.
WHEN YOU FEEL EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED OR UPSET WITH OTHERS, USE COPING SELF-TALK STATEMENTS TO HELP INCREASE YOUR ABILITY TO TOLERATE THE FRUSTRATION.
The following are examples of coping statements:
1)“I dislike this person’s behavior but I can stand it”.
2) “Sometimes relationships are frustrating, but I can stand the frustration”.
3) “Life is tough, but I can take it”.
4) “I don’t like it, that's OK, I can stand it anyway”.
WHEN YOU FEEL EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED OR UPSET WITH OTHERS, USE COPING SELF-TALK STATEMENTS TO HELP INCREASE YOUR ABILITY TO TOLERATE THE FRUSTRATION.
The following are examples of coping statements:
1)“I dislike this person’s behavior but I can stand it”.
2) “Sometimes relationships are frustrating, but I can stand the frustration”.
3) “Life is tough, but I can take it”.
4) “I don’t like it, that's OK, I can stand it anyway”.
OTHER IRRATIONAL BELIEFS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO OUR LOW FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE (LFT) ARE OUR BELIEFS INVOLVING “MUSTS, SHOULDS, CONDEMNATION AND DAMNATION I-CAN'T-STAND IT, ALWAYS, NEVER”).
THREE MAJOR MUSTS: IRRATIONAL SELF-TALK
1) I MUST….
2) YOU (HE OR SHE) MUST…..
3) THE WORLD AND THE CONDITIONS UNDER WHICH I LIVE MUST….
1) I MUST….
2) YOU (HE OR SHE) MUST…..
3) THE WORLD AND THE CONDITIONS UNDER WHICH I LIVE MUST….
FIVE HOT CONNECTING LINKS:
CONNECTING OUR MAJOR MUSTS TO OUR EMOTIONS:
CONNECTING OUR MAJOR MUSTS TO OUR EMOTIONS:
1)AWFULIZING: This situation is more than 100% awful, it is horrible, terrible and awful.
2)I-CAN'T-STAND-THIS:
I can’t stand any discomfort, anxiety, anger, or depression. I can’t survive or be happy at all if I have to endure these feelings. I absolutely refuse to accept feeling uncomfortable. This irrational self-talk causes LFT- Low Frustration Tolerance.
I can’t stand any discomfort, anxiety, anger, or depression. I can’t survive or be happy at all if I have to endure these feelings. I absolutely refuse to accept feeling uncomfortable. This irrational self-talk causes LFT- Low Frustration Tolerance.
3)CONDEMNATION & DAMNATION:
Wishing punishment and ruin on yourself for others, results in anger directed towards yourself or others.
Wishing punishment and ruin on yourself for others, results in anger directed towards yourself or others.
4)I AM WORTHLESS:
I am no good at all. Low self acceptance, low self esteem and depression can result from this irrational self-talk and thinking.
I am no good at all. Low self acceptance, low self esteem and depression can result from this irrational self-talk and thinking.
5)ALWAYS AND NEVER:
It will always be this way and it will never change.
IN SHORT, WHEN YOU ARE UPSET, IDENTIFY THE “MUST” “SHOULD” SELF TALK IN YOU AND WORK TOWARDS REPLACING IT WITH ALTERNATIVE SELF TALK.
RATIONAL ALTERNATIVE BELIEFS:
1) What I believe and tell myself about events and situations mainly causes my feelings.
2) “I prefer to be liked and approved by most people who are significant to me. Knowing that everyone does not like or approve of me is not awful, I-can-stand-it, and I CAN STILL FEEL WORTHWHILE. It is NOT reasonable to expect everyone to approve of me. I have little control over how other people think and feel.
3)“I am an imperfect, fallible person who has both strengths and weakness. I will work towards improving myself. There are things I do well. I can learn from my mistakes and from the failures and hard knocks of my life”.
4) "I had prefer that others and the world be fair and reasonable but life often is not fair. When possible, I will press others to behave fairly".
4) "I had prefer that others and the world be fair and reasonable but life often is not fair. When possible, I will press others to behave fairly".
5)"I had prefer that things go the way that I want them to go. Sometimes things go my way and sometimes they don’t. When things don’t go my way, it’s inconvenient or bad but not awful. I don’t like it, but I can stand it. I cannot always control events around me; I can mainly control my beliefs and self about those events and thereby control my feelings to a large extent. I CAN PRAY AND ASK FOR HELP".
6)Many potentially dangerous situations may not actually occur. I can be cautious and control dangerous events to some extent. I can handle and adjust to the bad things I cannot change.
7)Dealing with responsibilities, hassles and chores is a part of life. Attending to problems in their early stages is inconvenient but hardly awful. I-can-stand dealing with problems as they occur.
7)Dealing with responsibilities, hassles and chores is a part of life. Attending to problems in their early stages is inconvenient but hardly awful. I-can-stand dealing with problems as they occur.
8)I would like for others to guide and support me, but it’s more realistic to rely upon myself. I can learn to be more independent.
10) I am concerned and saddened when bad things happen to others, and I will work towards helping them, if I am able. However the misfortune and unhappiness of others cannot directly cause me to feel extreme anxiety, depression or unhappiness.
9)My current feelings and behaviors are controlled more by my current beliefs and self-talk than by distant events occurring many years ago. Some parts of my past are unpleasant, but I can learn to live with them. And I have learned from these experiences. I can learn ways to be less upset about unpleasant parts of my past.
10) I am concerned and saddened when bad things happen to others, and I will work towards helping them, if I am able. However the misfortune and unhappiness of others cannot directly cause me to feel extreme anxiety, depression or unhappiness.
11) I don’t like problems without perfect solutions, but I can live with them. I can influence, but not entirely control, my world which is complicated and often frustrating.
WORK ON REPLACING YOUR IRRATIONAL BELIEFS AND ADOPTING RATIONAL ALTERNATIVE BELIEFS SO THAT DIFFICULT PEOPLE ‘WONT DRIVE YOU CRAZY”. CONTINUE DISPUTING AND CHALLENGING YOUR IRRATIONAL BELIEFS UNTIL YOU CAN STAND THE BEHAVIOR OF DIFFICULT ACTING PEOPLE.
WHEN RELATING TO A DIFFICULT PERSON, TURN YOUR DEMAND FOR BEHAVIOR CHANGES INTO A PREFERENCE, THAT HE OR SHE CHANGE HIS OR HER BEHAVIOR, BUT THAT IT’S NOT ESSENTIAL FOR YOUR HAPPINESS OR SURVIVAL.
WHEN RELATING TO A DIFFICULT PERSON, TURN YOUR DEMAND FOR BEHAVIOR CHANGES INTO A PREFERENCE, THAT HE OR SHE CHANGE HIS OR HER BEHAVIOR, BUT THAT IT’S NOT ESSENTIAL FOR YOUR HAPPINESS OR SURVIVAL.
METHODS OF COPING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:
Don’t quit a job, attempt to handle a bad situation, or end a troubled relationship while you are significantly emotionally distressed. After managing your low frustration tolerance and anger, decide on a realistic goal regarding your relationship with your difficult person. Next, determine a plan for the best course of action. After careful consideration, you may then decide that it is best to end your relationship with a person. However, if you allow ONLY YOUR EMOTIONS to control your behavior, you may find your only goal is releasing anger, expressing rage or seeking revenge.
IT’S BEST TO CHANGE YOUR ANGER TO ANNOYANCE. Then if you do express annoyance, try to express it WITH THE RIGHT PERSON, THE RIGHT DEGREE, AT THE RIGHT TIME, FOR THE RIGHT PURPOSE, AND IN THE RIGHT WAY. NOT DOING SO, MAY DAMAGE A RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU WANT TO CONTINUE IN THE FUTURE.
If you express intense anger or rage, you may defeat yourself as well as the difficult person troubling you. Also, expressing anger at most people merely convinces, them of the correctness of their foolish, obnoxious behavior (Ellis, 1991 audio).
If you express intense anger or rage, you may defeat yourself as well as the difficult person troubling you. Also, expressing anger at most people merely convinces, them of the correctness of their foolish, obnoxious behavior (Ellis, 1991 audio).
SUGGESTIONS FOR COPING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:
1)Acknowledge that it’s not unpleasant people, but rather our beliefs about them and their behavior, which primarily cause our distress.
2)To cope with difficult people, first manage your emotional reaction to them.
3)Focus on changing your feelings of anger to less intense feelings of annoyance, displeasure or disappointment.
4)Express your annoyance and displeasure but not intense anger. You don’t have to become angry first before expressing your annoyance.
5)BE ASSERTIVE, RATHER THAN PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE, IN STATING WHAT YOU WANT.
6)Negotiate with your difficult person and be willing to compromise.
7)Walk out of the room and separate until both of you have calmed down. As you leave, say something like, “We need a break from this discussion”.
8)ACCEPT YOUR DIFFICULT PERSON, BUT NOT HIS BEHAVIOR. People are fallible and your difficult person is no exception.
9)Forgive the person for his foolish and unreasonable behavior.
10)Try to see the other person’s point of view. Ask enough questions until you can accurately repeat and summarize his or her viewpoint. Be able to paraphrase his or her position so that he or she agrees that you have accurately stated it. Accurately stating another persons position does not mean that you accept it. Merely that you understand it.
FEELING THEY ARE UNDERSTOOD, OTHERS WILL OFTEN BECOME A LITTLE MORE REASONABLE.
11)If needed, leave the situation and become involved in a pleasant activity.
12)ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE.
THE END
2)To cope with difficult people, first manage your emotional reaction to them.
3)Focus on changing your feelings of anger to less intense feelings of annoyance, displeasure or disappointment.
4)Express your annoyance and displeasure but not intense anger. You don’t have to become angry first before expressing your annoyance.
5)BE ASSERTIVE, RATHER THAN PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE, IN STATING WHAT YOU WANT.
6)Negotiate with your difficult person and be willing to compromise.
7)Walk out of the room and separate until both of you have calmed down. As you leave, say something like, “We need a break from this discussion”.
8)ACCEPT YOUR DIFFICULT PERSON, BUT NOT HIS BEHAVIOR. People are fallible and your difficult person is no exception.
9)Forgive the person for his foolish and unreasonable behavior.
10)Try to see the other person’s point of view. Ask enough questions until you can accurately repeat and summarize his or her viewpoint. Be able to paraphrase his or her position so that he or she agrees that you have accurately stated it. Accurately stating another persons position does not mean that you accept it. Merely that you understand it.
FEELING THEY ARE UNDERSTOOD, OTHERS WILL OFTEN BECOME A LITTLE MORE REASONABLE.
11)If needed, leave the situation and become involved in a pleasant activity.
12)ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE.
THE END
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