ISLAMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY ONLINE

Volume 15, March 2010
St. Louis, Missouri, USA

Editor: Mohamed Ziauddin

In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent and the Most Merciful

SPOTLIGHT FOR THIS MONTH:

ISLAMIC FREEBIES

EDITORIAL:

Being a practicing Muslim has its own advantages and freebies for each person some of which is now confirmed by Science. In other words, Islam was meant to be a simple religion for the good of Mankind. Don't be fooled by the deviated extremists who are essentially the enemies of Islam and are hellbent on dividing humanity by feeding on hate and bloodshed and thereby violating the peaceful tenets of Islam. By simply following what is recommended by Allah and the teachings of our beloved Prophet Mohamed (SAW), there are numerous benefits to be obtained.

(1) HEALTH & HYGIENE:

The US Center for Disease Control spent millions of dollars to research, which would be the single most important factor that could prevent the spread of infection and diseases. They concluded that it was washing hands, which our Prophet Mohammed (SAW) had strongly recommended more than fourteen centuries ago.

(2) SOCIAL CHARITY:

Prophet Mohammed (SAW) strongly encouraged giving of charity and added that if one did not have money, goods or services to offer as charity, then one should at least “smile” as it is also a form of charity. The freebie in this is that when you smile, it costs nothing but benefits you - “the one who smiled”.

Researchers have found that smiling can benefit your mood. Studies have indicated that moving the muscles that make you smile may trigger chemicals in your brain that actually make you feel better. In a Newsweek article dated 12/10/07, “smiling” has been listed as one of the six simple steps to look younger without surgery.

(3) VOLUNTEERING TO HELP:

Prophet Mohammed (SAW) strongly encouraged us to reach out and help others. In so doing, it is a Sawaab and (the good deeds) gets credited to your spiritual account and will be spiritually cashed out during Uiam Qiamah for determination of your permanent destiny in either the Paradise or Hellfire. Some Muslims are glad to offer help but do so only when requested. Our Prophet in most situations initiated and volunteered to reach out and offer help and we need to do the same in the most feasible and practical way possible.

THE NET RESULT OF SUCH “VOLUNTEERING TO HELP” INITIATIVE:

Your spiritual bank would have accumulated ten fold or more of such good deeds credited to your spiritual account most of which would basically be freebies. Above surplus is compared to a situation where you do not initiate help but instead wait for them (the potential receivers) to approach you and request help from you. In the latter, you have already lost the opportunity to earn good deeds from those who were reluctant to approach you to seek help.

RECENT RESEARCH RECOMMENDS THAT, IF YOU ARE IN A POSITION TO HELP SOMEONE, YOU MAY HAVE TO GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO OFFER YOUR SERVICES VOLUNTARILY. Two research studies show that potential helpers (say, teaching assistants) OVERESTIMATED HOW OFTEN PEOPLE WILL APPROACH THEM, BECAUSE THEY UNDERESTIMATED HOW MUCH ASKING FOR ASSISTANCE CHALLENGES PEOPLE’S SELF-ESTEEM.

(4) MARRYING AT AN EARLIER AGE:

In Islam, Muslims are encouraged to marry at an early age (that is feasible and practical). This applies to both males and females.

It is not just women who have biological clock, it is men too. Women have unfairly borne the brunt of the blame for birth defects. “The biggest (genetic) threat to society may not be infertility but fertile old men”, says University of Wisconsin in Madison geneticist James F. Crow.

Research indicates that male fertility decreases decade by decade, especially after age 35, and aging sperm can be a significant and sometimes the ONLY cause of severe health and developmental problems in offspring, including autism, schizophrenia and cancer. The older the father, the higher the risk. “The birth defects caused by male aging are significant conditions that can cause a burden to families and society,” says Ethylin Wang Jabs, Professor of Pediatric Genetics at Johns Hopkins University and leader of a recent study showing the link between aging paternity and certain facial deformities in offspring.

Several studies have shown that the older the man, the more fragmented the DNA in his ejaculated sperm, resulting in greater risk for infertility, miscarriage or birth defects. Investigations out of Israel, Europe and the US have shown that non-verbal (performance) intelligence may decline exclusively due to greater paternal age; and that men 40 and older are nearly six times more likely to have offspring with autism than men under age 30. Other research shows that the risk of breast and prostrate cancer in offspring increases with paternal age. Fisch has found that when both parents are over 35, paternal aging may be responsible for as many as half of all cases of Down syndrome, formerly thought to be inherited from the mother.

PROTECTING THE FAMILY JEWELS:

Anything that hurts a man’s health hurts his sperm. The GOOD NEWS FOR MEN: preserving your reproductive potential will also keep you healthy.

TIPS:

(1) Protect your heart

(2) Stay active:

“If you are trying to have a child in your 30’s, 40’s, or 50’s, getting into the best shape of your life will give you the highest testosterone level possible”, says Fisch.

(3) Watch your weight:

Potbellies (spare tires) and excessive waist size also generate heat that can reach the testicles decreasing the testosterone in sperm. In general, the bigger the belly, the lower the testosterone.

(4) Take antioxidants such as Vitamins C or E, since they may help battle free radicals that play a part in breakdown of sperm DNA.

(5) As our loving Prophet prohibited intoxicants, don’t abuse drugs, alcohol and smoke. For the simple reason, that they accelerate DNA breakdown in sperm and put the heart and other organs at risk.

(6) AVOID HOT BATHS, JACUZZIS AND HOT TUBS: ALL CAN REDUCE SPERM COUNTS FOR THREE TO SIX MONTHS.

(7) KEEP LAPTOPS ON THE DESK:
“BALANCING LAPTOPS ON THE LAP RAISES THE SCROTUM’S TEMPERATURE”, SAYS S.U.N.Y Stony Brook Urologist.

(8) SEE AN UROLOGIST:
Sperm content and testosterone levels can both be evaluated and treated. You can also ask your doctor to refer you to a lab that tests DNA fragmentation in sperm.

“WE NOW KNOW THAT MEN AND WOMEN ALIKE COULD BE INCREASING THE RISK OF INFERTILITY OR BIRTH DEFECTS BY WAITING TOO LONG TO HAVE CHILDREN”.

In other words, by looking for perfection in your life before you conceive, there’s a very real chance you will have LESS THEN PERFECT KIDS”.

So Brothers and Sisters, most of above problems pertaining to male fertility could have been easily avoided if you just follow the recommendations of our loving Prophet Mohammed (SAW) by marrying while young. Of course, above decision should not be interpreted at the exclusion of several other extremely important factors that needs to be taken into serious consideration (such as financial stability to support spouse and future children, having a stable income and housing et.c). Making above decision to marry is probably one of the most important decisions you would ever make in your life and it needs to be carefully and cautiously made taking all-important aspects into consideration, including the above recommendation of our loving Prophet Mohamed (SAW) to marry at an earlier age based on feasibility and taking into account other practical considerations.

A SIDE NOTE ON COUPLES LIVING TOGETHER AS A MARRIED COUPLE VS UNMARRIED COUPLE:

Writer who is also an individual, marital and family psychotherapist, had clients that were an elderly couple who were married for several decades and the wife stated that she has still "not understood" him (her husband).

On the other hand, the writer also seen a middle age couple who lived together without marriage for several years. Finally when they decided that they have "understood each other" enough and are ready for the legal commitment of marriage, they MARRIED and the marital union collapsed within two short months thereafter.

EDITOR’S HAND-PICKED RECOMMENDED READINGS & VIDEO VIEWINGS:

(a) BOOK: “ISLAM – OUR CHOICE: PORTRAITS OF MODERN AMERICAN MUSLIM WOMEN”. Edited by Debra L. Dirks & Stephanie Parlove.

AN INCREASING NUMBER OF AMERICAN WOMEN ARE EMBRACING ISLAM, ALREADY OVER ONE MILLION CONVERTS. These are modern American women born and brought up in America to non-Muslim parents. They have journeyed down the path of Islam without giving up their American heritage and FOUND LIBERATION and self-actualization by becoming Muslims. This book presents the personal accounts of six American Muslim women who have been kind enough to share their first-person stories of the winding roads they traveled en-route to embracing Islam.

(b) ISLAMIC VIDEO: Women’s Video Pack. 3.

Great videos, which shatter the stereotypes, we have about Women’s rights and responsibilities in Islam.

(1) VIDEO: HIJAB: AN ACT OF FAITH: HIJAB IS ONE OF THE MOST VISIBLE MISUNDERSTOOD SYMBOLS OF ISLAM

This documentary program explains Islam’s concept of modesty and why Muslim women cover. A series of articulate and committed Muslim women with varied backgrounds share their experiences and insights about their choice to wear hijab. The program also tackles many stereotypes relating to hijab and highlights the duty of Muslim men to observe modesty. Participants include the President of Islamic Society of North America – Sr. Ingrid Mattson, Katherine Bullock, Zubeda Vahed, Dr. Sheema Khan, Malika Quick and many others. This video is an important video for Muslims and non-Muslims alike.

(2) VIDEO: WOMEN’S RIGHTS AND ROLES IN ISLAM: THE GREAT DEBATE:

In a jam-packed auditorium at the University of Milwaukee in Madison organized by Muslim Students Association on Nov 7, 1992. Sister Aminah Assilmi responds to a series of nationally syndicated anti-Islamic articles “Women of the Veil” by Deborah Scroggins.

(3) VIDEO: THE PROPHET’S EMPOWERMENT OF WOMEN:

Sister Aminah Assilmi relates how dynamic Muslim women played an integral role in establishing the first Islamic Society. She also explains how the Prophet encouraged and empowered women to actively participate in the community’s development. Allah’s peace and blessings be with the Prophet Mohamed (SAW). The program includes a question and answer session. Sr. Aminah is an author, broadcaster and community activist. She is also the President of the INTERNATIONAL UNION OF MUSLIM WOMEN.

Acknowledgments:
(a) Psychology Today – Sept/October 2007.
(b) www.soundvision.com
(NOTE: If you are interested to order any of the above, feel free to contact the website www.soundvision.com) and order it from them.


THE END

ISLAMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY ONLINE
Volume 14, February 2010
St. Louis, Missouri, USA

Editor: Mohamed Ziauddin

SPOTLIGHT FOR THIS MONTH:

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:

EDITORIAL: I have yet to meet one single individual who stated that he never dealt with any difficult person in his life. We found the analysis and solutions from below article from Dr. K. Clark (Rational Emotive Therapy) to be very helpful to deal with difficult people.

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:

Demanding that someone change, and telling ourselves that if he does not change, it’s awful, I can't stand it, he should be damned, causes us to be emotionally upset. INSTEAD WE SHOULD CHANGE IT TO DESIRING, WANTING AND PREFERRING THAT SOMEONE CHANGES, SUCH A SOFTER EXPECTATION LEADS TO MORE CALMNESS.

Difficult people tend to be an obstacle to our goals, threaten our self-esteem and self-acceptance, act in arrogant and annoying ways and use undesirable methods to control situations and us. The following are the steps to deal with difficult people: Manage your emotional reaction to them first. It is more comfortable to relate to others without feeling a lot of anxiety, anger, intense frustration, or having our self-esteem and self-acceptance threatened. Further we can think more clearly and behave more effectively when dealing with difficult people if we are not severely emotionally upset with them.

Did you know that our emotions and behavior result mainly from our beliefs and self-talk, rather than from the actual events and people in our lives. It is really not difficult people, who cause our distress, but rather our beliefs and self-talk about them and their actions.

We are responsible for creating our own emotions.

DON’T FORGET, IF DIFFICULT PEOPLE UPSET US, WE HAVE GIVEN THEM PERMISSION TO DO SO.

Coming back to OUR OWN BELIEFS AND SELF-TALK, what do we tell ourselves that disturbs us so much when we are around troublemakers and other difficult people ?

Let’s look at irrational beliefs which cause us to become unduly upset with a difficult person or a difficult acting person.

We all experience frustration in dealing with others. Frustration with others is not getting what you want from them. Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT) results from them. LFT results from believing:

“Others absolutely must give me what I want and behave as I want, and if they don’t, it’s awful and I-can’t-stand-it’.

You should work on increasing your LFT, something over which you have considerable control. Changing the other person is something over which you usually have little or no control.
To detect your beliefs which cause low frustration tolerance, ask yourself:

1) What exactly am I saying to myself about this person?

2)What am I yelling myself about his or her actions?

3)What am I insisting or demanding that this person do or stop doing?”

Difficult people often give confusing, contradictory messages.

WHEN YOU FEEL EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED OR UPSET WITH OTHERS, USE COPING SELF-TALK STATEMENTS TO HELP INCREASE YOUR ABILITY TO TOLERATE THE FRUSTRATION.

The following are examples of coping statements:

1)“I dislike this person’s behavior but I can stand it”.
2) “Sometimes relationships are frustrating, but I can stand the frustration”.
3) “Life is tough, but I can take it”.
4) “I don’t like it, that's OK, I can stand it anyway”.

OTHER IRRATIONAL BELIEFS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO OUR LOW FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE (LFT) ARE OUR BELIEFS INVOLVING “MUSTS, SHOULDS, CONDEMNATION AND DAMNATION I-CAN'T-STAND IT, ALWAYS, NEVER”).

THREE MAJOR MUSTS: IRRATIONAL SELF-TALK

1) I MUST….
2) YOU (HE OR SHE) MUST…..
3) THE WORLD AND THE CONDITIONS UNDER WHICH I LIVE MUST….

FIVE HOT CONNECTING LINKS:

CONNECTING OUR MAJOR MUSTS TO OUR EMOTIONS:

1)AWFULIZING: This situation is more than 100% awful, it is horrible, terrible and awful.

2)I-CAN'T-STAND-THIS:
I can’t stand any discomfort, anxiety, anger, or depression. I can’t survive or be happy at all if I have to endure these feelings. I absolutely refuse to accept feeling uncomfortable. This irrational self-talk causes LFT- Low Frustration Tolerance.

3)CONDEMNATION & DAMNATION:
Wishing punishment and ruin on yourself for others, results in anger directed towards yourself or others.

4)I AM WORTHLESS:
I am no good at all. Low self acceptance, low self esteem and depression can result from this irrational self-talk and thinking.

5)ALWAYS AND NEVER:
It will always be this way and it will never change.

IN SHORT, WHEN YOU ARE UPSET, IDENTIFY THE “MUST” “SHOULD” SELF TALK IN YOU AND WORK TOWARDS REPLACING IT WITH ALTERNATIVE SELF TALK.

RATIONAL ALTERNATIVE BELIEFS:

1) What I believe and tell myself about events and situations mainly causes my feelings.

2) “I prefer to be liked and approved by most people who are significant to me. Knowing that everyone does not like or approve of me is not awful, I-can-stand-it, and I CAN STILL FEEL WORTHWHILE. It is NOT reasonable to expect everyone to approve of me. I have little control over how other people think and feel.

3)“I am an imperfect, fallible person who has both strengths and weakness. I will work towards improving myself. There are things I do well. I can learn from my mistakes and from the failures and hard knocks of my life”.

4) "I had prefer that others and the world be fair and reasonable but life often is not fair. When possible, I will press others to behave fairly".

5)"I had prefer that things go the way that I want them to go. Sometimes things go my way and sometimes they don’t. When things don’t go my way, it’s inconvenient or bad but not awful. I don’t like it, but I can stand it. I cannot always control events around me; I can mainly control my beliefs and self about those events and thereby control my feelings to a large extent. I CAN PRAY AND ASK FOR HELP".

6)Many potentially dangerous situations may not actually occur. I can be cautious and control dangerous events to some extent. I can handle and adjust to the bad things I cannot change.

7)Dealing with responsibilities, hassles and chores is a part of life. Attending to problems in their early stages is inconvenient but hardly awful. I-can-stand dealing with problems as they occur.

8)I would like for others to guide and support me, but it’s more realistic to rely upon myself. I can learn to be more independent.

9)My current feelings and behaviors are controlled more by my current beliefs and self-talk than by distant events occurring many years ago. Some parts of my past are unpleasant, but I can learn to live with them. And I have learned from these experiences. I can learn ways to be less upset about unpleasant parts of my past.

10) I am concerned and saddened when bad things happen to others, and I will work towards helping them, if I am able. However the misfortune and unhappiness of others cannot directly cause me to feel extreme anxiety, depression or unhappiness.

11) I don’t like problems without perfect solutions, but I can live with them. I can influence, but not entirely control, my world which is complicated and often frustrating.

WORK ON REPLACING YOUR IRRATIONAL BELIEFS AND ADOPTING RATIONAL ALTERNATIVE BELIEFS SO THAT DIFFICULT PEOPLE ‘WONT DRIVE YOU CRAZY”. CONTINUE DISPUTING AND CHALLENGING YOUR IRRATIONAL BELIEFS UNTIL YOU CAN STAND THE BEHAVIOR OF DIFFICULT ACTING PEOPLE.

WHEN RELATING TO A DIFFICULT PERSON, TURN YOUR DEMAND FOR BEHAVIOR CHANGES INTO A PREFERENCE, THAT HE OR SHE CHANGE HIS OR HER BEHAVIOR, BUT THAT IT’S NOT ESSENTIAL FOR YOUR HAPPINESS OR SURVIVAL.

METHODS OF COPING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:

Don’t quit a job, attempt to handle a bad situation, or end a troubled relationship while you are significantly emotionally distressed. After managing your low frustration tolerance and anger, decide on a realistic goal regarding your relationship with your difficult person. Next, determine a plan for the best course of action. After careful consideration, you may then decide that it is best to end your relationship with a person. However, if you allow ONLY YOUR EMOTIONS to control your behavior, you may find your only goal is releasing anger, expressing rage or seeking revenge.

IT’S BEST TO CHANGE YOUR ANGER TO ANNOYANCE. Then if you do express annoyance, try to express it WITH THE RIGHT PERSON, THE RIGHT DEGREE, AT THE RIGHT TIME, FOR THE RIGHT PURPOSE, AND IN THE RIGHT WAY. NOT DOING SO, MAY DAMAGE A RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU WANT TO CONTINUE IN THE FUTURE.

If you express intense anger or rage, you may defeat yourself as well as the difficult person troubling you. Also, expressing anger at most people merely convinces, them of the correctness of their foolish, obnoxious behavior (Ellis, 1991 audio).

SUGGESTIONS FOR COPING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:

1)Acknowledge that it’s not unpleasant people, but rather our beliefs about them and their behavior, which primarily cause our distress.

2)To cope with difficult people, first manage your emotional reaction to them.

3)Focus on changing your feelings of anger to less intense feelings of annoyance, displeasure or disappointment.

4)Express your annoyance and displeasure but not intense anger. You don’t have to become angry first before expressing your annoyance.

5)BE ASSERTIVE, RATHER THAN PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE, IN STATING WHAT YOU WANT.

6)Negotiate with your difficult person and be willing to compromise.

7)Walk out of the room and separate until both of you have calmed down. As you leave, say something like, “We need a break from this discussion”.

8)ACCEPT YOUR DIFFICULT PERSON, BUT NOT HIS BEHAVIOR. People are fallible and your difficult person is no exception.

9)Forgive the person for his foolish and unreasonable behavior.

10)Try to see the other person’s point of view. Ask enough questions until you can accurately repeat and summarize his or her viewpoint. Be able to paraphrase his or her position so that he or she agrees that you have accurately stated it. Accurately stating another persons position does not mean that you accept it. Merely that you understand it.

FEELING THEY ARE UNDERSTOOD, OTHERS WILL OFTEN BECOME A LITTLE MORE REASONABLE.

11)If needed, leave the situation and become involved in a pleasant activity.

12)ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE.

THE END

ISLAMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY ONLINE

(Revised Version)

Volume 13, January 2010

St. Louis, Missouri

Editor: Hajji Mohamed Ziauddin

IN THE NAME OF ALLAH, THE MOST BENEFICENT AND THE MOST MERCIFUL

SPOTLIGHT OF THE WEEK:

ANALYSIS OF THE SUICIDE BOMBER:

A CLINICAL-PSYCHO-SOCIAL PERSPECTIVE

ISLAMIC INHIBITORS AND MORAL SPEEDBRAKERS

Generally speaking, killing another human being requires both a psychological and physical act. Such a lovely religion as Islam already has in place ISLAMIC INHIBITORS through its gems of HolyQuran and Hadith that repeatedly emphasize the virtues of practicing Compassion, Empathy, Forgiveness, Peace, Universal Brotherhood, Love et.c.

Feelings of guilt and fear of being prosecuted if the destructive plan fails and the individual is caught are additional inhibitors. It behooves us to note that for a suicide bomber, his primary, secondary and tertiary motivators to cause destruction are far greater and easily overcomes above Islamic inhibitors. How does one explain such behavior from a practicing Muslim who literally throws all above ISLAMIC INHIBITORS ASIDE and rushes to kill self and others including innocents around him? If this is NOT A PERVERTED AND DISTORTED MOTIVATOR AGAINST THE PEACE LOVING PRINCIPLES OF ISLAM, THEN WHAT ELSE IS?

HISTORICAL SNAPSHOT OF PSYCHOLOGY’S NEGATIVITY TOWARDS RELIGION – Eg. Christianity.

According to Psychologist Dan Carpenter in his article: “Ethical Considerations in Working with Religious Clients”, he stated:

“The culture of Christianity has been influenced by a history of dissatisfaction with psychology. Part of the responsibility for this turbulent past rests with therapists who condemned religiosity as pathological. Worthington (1986) wrote "Conservative Christians prefer like-minded counselors and distrust secular counselors" (p. 425). Citing research by Beutler, Pollack and Jobe (1978), Worthington added "When clients agreed with the initial values of their therapists, they were more attracted to their therapists and were more trusting of them than were clients who did not" (p. 425).

Contemporary insensitivity toward religious belief was preceded in the field by early comments on the part of several prominent members of the psychological community.Warnock captured the essence of the "anti-religious" spectrum of psychology:

Through the years, religion has been viewed by psychologists and those in related professions in many ways: by Freud as an illusion, an obsession and a fulfillment of infantile wishes; by Jung as an Archetype; by Fromm as human love; by Erikson as an epigenetic virtue; by James as an intensely personal experience, by Sargant as a matter of classical conditioning; by Skinner as a matter of operant conditioning; by Allport as a matter of personal becoming; [and] by Maslow as a quest for man's higher nature...(Warnock, 1989, p. 263)

Fritz Perls viewed theology as projection, the attribution of characteristics to the universe, and he admired those ministers who shifted from belief in a personalized God to embrace "...the basic creative energy of the universe." (Walker, p. 188-89)

Perhaps one of the most famous quotes capturing the anti-religion bias in psychology was made by Albert Ellis (1962) who said "...And because any deity-positing religion almost by necessity involves endowing those members who violate the laws of its gods with a distinct concept of blameworthiness or sinfulness, I am inclined to reverse Voltaire's famous dictum and to say that, from a mental health standpoint, if there were a God it would be necessary to uninvent Him"(p. 142)

Reasons for an often-negative view of religion from psychologists vary from an unthinking acceptance of the "traditional" depreciating views espoused above, which portray religious belief as detrimental to mental health, to more personal issues such as past experience of the therapist.

Why is it that "compared with the public at large, secular psychotherapists are less likely to affiliate or participate in organized religion and are more likely to express their spiritual interests in nontraditional ways"? (Genia, 1994, p. 395). Lovinger (1984) posited that training in the sciences (such as psychology, psychiatry and nursing) "is at odds with the religious orientation and background of many Americans" (p. 1). He also stated that the humanist orientation and liberal political outlook of training institutions tends to complement a worldview which is essentially nonreligious, if not anti-religious (p. 2).”

From the above views of Dr. Dan Carpenter, how could we translate it to the historical perspective of psychologists towards the religion of Islam? To analyze further, with the mainstream media’s general negative attitude towards Islam and the real life suicidal, homicidal and destructive actions of a minority of misguided Muslim suicide bombers, how is Islam being perceived in the world of Psychologists and Psychotherapists? In what ways can practicing Muslim Psychologists and Psychotherapists contribute their valuable input in this behavioral field and make the much needed positive difference?

ISLAMIC COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY:

The writer strongly believes that the emphasis on SEEKING KNOWLEDGE both in the Holy Quran and Hadith was meant to be the building blocks to be built over the foundation of above two gems tailored to the contemporary period of human existence. For example the average Muslim’s perception of the Quranic verse “MANKIND IS BUT ONE COMMUNITY” in the 7 ^th century would be totally different than the perception of the same verse today, when we have phone, internet, fax, satellite TV et.c.

Although during the first phase of Islamic period the emphasis on SEEKING KNOWLEDGE was given lot of attention, unfortunately its emphasis significantly reduced in the subsequent centuries and sadly continues to this day. If Muslims are one-fifth of the world’s population, what percent of the worlds Nobel laureates, leading scientists and researchers are Muslims? Lack of emphasis of seeking such contemporary knowledge was a blow to the Ummah’s ability to effectively deal with its contemporary conflicts on psychological, social, political level.

This easily led to some misguided Islamic leaders being able to win over certain vulnerable Muslims who were initially innocent, sincere and deeply religious but inadvertently fell into their trap by believing the distorted interpretation of Islam. Such misguided leaders fully exploited the weakness of the vulnerable Muslims and ultimately forced them through their own voluntary actions to DESTROY THEIR OWN LIVES.

Islamic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a vast ocean of specialized knowledge integrating the gems of Holy Quran, Hadith and Contemporary Psychology. Below focus on the aspect of “EMOTION” is but one spec in the cosmos of such knowledge. Due to the limited space assigned for each of these weekly issues, even this single aspect of “EMOTIONS” really does not do justice to this issue and is just a snapshot at best.

A PRACTICING MUSLIM SEES THE WORLD AROUND HIM THROUGH THE TWO SYMBOLIC EYES OF HOLY QURAN AND HADITH. As long as the information obtained through the various senses – visual (reading Islamic literature et.c) and auditory (hearing Islamic speeches et.c) and subsequent cognition of it are interpreted in the appropriate way, then there are multiple benefits through which both the individual Muslim and the global UMMAH can enjoy their quality of life from practicing Islam. Further the individual would receive the rewards both in this world and in the world hereafter.

HOWEVER, IF THE INFORMATION OBTAINED THROUGH THE VARIOUS SENSES are misinterpreted in an inappropriate, twisted and deviant way then there is bound to be COGNITIVE DISTORTION, which would ultimately lead to multiple problems not only to the individual (as the suicide bomber who self-destructs himself) but also on others too (innocent victims including women and children around the suicide bomber).

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE:

In her book, “HELP FOR EMOTIONS”, Dr. Lynn Clark Ph.D indicates that our emotions are to a great extent controlled by our beliefs, the way we think about the problems we encounter and our silent self-talk.

Interpreting the above from an Islamic perspective, when a small but dangerous group of leaders misinterpret the peaceful gems of Islam to the most vulnerable group of desperate people, the consequences could be DEADLY, to say the least. Such leaders through their misguidance; influence to a significant extent the beliefs and in the process the aspect of “self-talk” of the suicide bombers.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage one’s emotions (Goleman, 1995). Dr. Lynn Clark states that emotional intelligence consists of five abilities:

1. Being aware of our emotions.
2. Managing our emotions.
3. Motivating ourselves to achieve our goals.
4. Recognizing emotions in others.
5. Managing relationships with others.

Above Editor believes that very likely the emotional intelligence of a suicide bomber is low. (Similar is the case with his social intelligence, which consists of understanding one’s emotions and behavior, understanding other’s emotions and behavior, and managing relationships).

From a clinical perspective, since emotional intelligence is learned rather than inherited, it can be improved. This is an important aspect to be considered in the treatment milieu while working with not only potential suicidal bombers but also in developing a plan to minimize if not eliminate the growth of a new generation of misguided suicide bombers.

(1) SUICIDE BOMBERS’S AWARENESS OF HIS EMOTIONS:

A suicide bomber is not conscious of his silent self-talk statements and automatic thoughts accompanying his emotions and moods. For a suicide bomber, self-talk statements include distorted teachings and twisted interpretations from the Holy Quran and Hadith . Such distorted beliefs are unfortunately further reinforced by genuine Islamic practice, in terms of continuing to do prayers and Zikr. If the gems (prayers and Zikr ) are covered by poison (distorted beliefs glorifying death, destruction and mayhem), no doubt the gem loses its originality and genuine purpose (of working towards peace both within one’s self and towards the outer environment). The suicide bomber has no clue about above distortion and wrongly assumes that he is a martyr of Islam. UNFORTUNATELY THOSE AROUND HIM WHO ALSO HAVE SIMILAR DISTORTED VIEWS, CONTINUE TO ENCOURAGE AND REINFORCE HIS DISTORTED BELIEFS.

Among the four core emotions of contentment, anxiety, anger and depression, the suicide bomber is high on anxiety and anger.

(2) SUICIDE BOMBER’S MANAGING HIS EMOTIONS:

A suicide bomber is very poor in this area. Managing one’s emotions is directly contingent upon being aware of one’s emotions. Due to the distortion in his automatic thoughts and silent self-talk statements alluded to in above paragraph; he is unable to manage his emotions. If anything, he tends tomaladapt in this issue by becoming increasingly detached to his historical worldly likes and dislikes, materialistic anchors, family obligations etc and moves towards being obsessed with taking revenge and thereby falsely assuming that he is becoming a martyr.

This tends to increase and remain for prolonged periods. Not surprisingly he tends to have a flat affect to environmental stimuli around him. IN SUCH A PROCESS HE ALSO TENDS TO DEVALUE HIMSELF and sees himself as a means (to use his body as a vehicle to harm the enemy by destruction to self and others) to an end (and supposedly be rewarded by going directly to Paradise). The distortion lies in his perception of destruction & mayhem being a “noble cause”.

(3) SUICIDE BOMBER’S MOTIVATION TO ACHIEVE ATTAINABLE GOALS:

Due to his misguidance by unscrupulous extremist elements, his obsession tends to zero in on one single attainable (and graphically destructive) goal – to punish his enemies in the worst possible way by bombing self and others around him. His anger is so intense; that he cares less if there happens to be innocent men, women and children around. SOMEHOW HE HARBORS A DISTORTED BELIEF THAT ALLAH WILL FORGIVE HIM FOR KILLING THE INNOCENTS AROUND HIM AND AWARD HIM DIRECT ACCESS TO PARADISE.

(4) SUICIDE BOMBER’S ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE EMOTIONS IN OTHERS:

A suicide bomber's ability in this area gets significantly reduced. Before destructing himself, he mentally prepares to disconnect himself from the world. It begins with his immediate family, relatives and friends. He also tends to withdraw from others while continuing to obsess over his one and only single goal.

(5) SUICIDE BOMBER’S ABILITY TO MANAGE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS:

Even in this area, his ability gets significantly reduced. The only social reinforcements that he receives are from his misguided leaders and a small circle of secretive friends of the same group. To them he opens up socially. Unfortunately, they become the fuel and continued reinforcement (in terms of repeatedly reinforcing to him the distorted view of Islam) which helps motivate him to ultimately accomplish his destructive actions.

SUICIDE BOMBERS IRRATIONAL BELIEFS:

• He has complete support from the Ummah and is doing the highest sacrifice possible for the Ummah.
• He will be remembered by the Ummah as a true martyr.
• Taking heroic burden upon himself by sacrificing his worldly desires of being with family et.c.
• Dying for the cause of Islam.

(ED NOTE: Why don’t Imams and Religious Scholars assertively express their view on this issue? If the majority feels above is wrong then why don’t they assertively say so? What about the Ummah in general? Why don’t the majority of the Ummah assertively speak up on this issue?)

Absence of contemporary knowledge (in this context), absence of learning alternative coping skills with the stressors that the suicide bomber is facing – occupation, revenge attacks based on tribe or conflict between religious sects et.c. Absence of peace loving spiritual support groups to calm and fan down the heated anger, frustration and sense of desperation and helplessness. Absence of Muslim professionals from Behavioral Medicine including Psychotherapists to offer such a desperate group ways to learn alternative peaceful strategies.

SUICIDE BOMBERS ARE LIKE A CANCEROUS CELL, WHICH IS GROWING IN NUMBER AND BY THEIR VIOLENT ATTACKS ESPECIALLY AGAINST INNOCENT MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE DAMAGING THE WHOLE BODY OF THE GLOBAL UMMAH.

WHY IS IT EMPHASIZED IN ISLAM THAT: “THE INK OF A SCHOLARS PEN IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN THE BLOOD OF THE MARTYR”?

It is a no brainer, that DEVELOPING PEACEFUL ALTERNATIVES TOWARDS CONFLICT RESOLUTION involving the UMMAH, comes not by suicide bombers or an aggressive State’s acts of death and destruction, but by contributions of Imams/Islamic Scholars and Specialists from the Psychology related disciplines. The priority and importance given to the ‘INK OF A SCHOLARS PEN” could be better understood from above.

Did our loving Prophet Mohamed (SAW) foresee blood shed because of Ummah’s exclusive focus on history and becoming disconnected from the contemporary realities?

Does Islam value the power of intellectuals more than soldiers who engage in military combat involving blood shed?

What are the Islamic intellectuals doing at the present time, when such a minority of suicide bombers continues to create mayhem and destruction all in the name of ISLAM?

SUICIDE BOMBER’S DYSFUNCTIONAL & DISTORTED THINKING & SELF TALK:

Despite what we see as graphic violence and destruction in the act of the suicide bomber, in his mind, it is the ULTIMATE LOVE for Allah and the supreme sacrifice of his personal materialistic life for the cause of ISLAM. As a Muslim Psychotherapist, the above Editor argues that above spiritual thinking is not based on facts but by a DISTORTED AND DYSFUNCTIONAL THINKING PATTERN.

Obviously the next question arises as to THE ORIGINAL SOURCE of such information that got disseminated and percolated down to the suicide bomber and his destructive invisible “team”. The above Editor argues that certain extremist elements within the Islamic community have perverted the peaceful and noble teachings of the Holy Quran and Hadith to bring in the component of self-destruction and destruction of innocents around them for what ever cause it may be. Most of the IMAMS of the global UMMAH are a peaceful group of religious leaders and are against their followers to resort to suicide bombing. Most of the Imams liberally utilize the gems from Holy Quran and Hadith to guide their community towards the peaceful path. Several examples of such gems advocating patience and perseverance, non-violence, peace, love and universal brotherhood were mentioned in the past three prior weekly issues. But there are definitely a minority of Muslim religious leaders who have twisted and misinterpreted the gems of Holy Quran and encouraged violence, destruction and mayhem among their very desperate, vulnerable and helpless followers.

The Ummah through the WORLD MUSLIM LEAGUE should seriously address this growing cancerous issue of suicide bombing and while there is no magic wand to immediately end above anti-Islamic practice, focus must be given to find peaceful alternatives to deal with conflict with a goal and long term time frame to work hard on eliminating such destructive violence of suicide bombing.

Regardless of involvement of above Ummah’s world body, all Muslims including Islamic organizations both at the grass roots level and national level should address this hot issue and find alternative ways of responding to conflict and oppression.

THE THREE KEY PLAYERS TO FACILITATE THE END TO ABOVE HORRIBLE DESTRUCTIVE PRACTICE ARE:

(a) IMAMS AND ISLAMIC LEADERS:

Imams and Islamic leaders are encouraged to not just guide and assist in the proper interpretation of the Holy Quran but also to be in SYNC with contemporary times and work towards integrating the gems of Holy Quran with Alternative peaceful strategies based on contemporary knowledge. They are requested to regularly address this issue in their Friday prayers and have the COURAGE to speak out against it. Many Imams shy away from outright condemning such barbaric acts. They are encouraged to highlight various gems from Holy Quran and Hadith emphasizing the importance of patience, perseverance and working towards peace with all including neighbors, non-Muslims and the world at large. For those Imams in the western world, they need to be given all the more support to be more active in INTERFAITH ACTIVITIES.

(b) MUSLIM PSYCHOTHERAPISTS

(From various disciplines – Psychiatry, Psychology, Social Work etc) & COMMUNICATION EXPERTS:

They are encouraged to do more research in the application of the Islamic gems of Holy Quran and Hadith towards resolving current problems including conflict.

THE PRACTICE OF SOME MUSLIMS SHYING AWAY FROM ISLAM AND BEING SECULAR IS NOT WORKING, WE ARE ALREADY SEEING IT.

Muslim professionals from the HEALING ARTS should be assertive enough to identify specific aspects on how the misguided leaders are misinterpreting Islamic gems and exploiting our young Muslims to become human fodder of pieces of bones and flesh, while the so-called martyrs could have TRULY CONTRIBUTED IN A MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE WAY FOR THE CAUSE OF ISLAM BY VOLUNTEERING AND WORKING ON HUNDREDS OF PROJECTS THAT COULD HAVE OTHERWISE HELPED THE MUSLIMS IMMENSELY.

Due to such misguided leaders and deaths of the suicide bombers, UMMAH has lost millions of hours of manpower that could have been positively contributed not only for the welfare and benefit of suicide bomber’s immediate family but the local Muslim community at large.

(c) GOVERNMENT ENTITIES:

They also play an extremely important role to help in ending these horrible destructive suicidal, homicidal and destructive acts. They can in so many ways including providing logistic support assist both the IMAMS and the MUSLIM PROFESSIONALS FROM THE HEALING ARTS to eventually eliminate such destructive practice. Ultimately it is not just an individual but also the whole world that wants LASTING PEACE and Inshallah let us all work towards it.

NOTE:

One of the purpose of writing above article is not only to blend in concepts from the gems of Islam with Psychology but also to encourage the Ummah to begin a serious discussion on this issue especially eliciting feedback from the reluctant but respectable Imams and Muslims from the Healing Arts profession. All opinions are welcome including angrily worded hate e-mails.

ISLAMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY ONLINE
Volume 12, December 2009
St. Louis, Missouri

Editor: Mohamed Ziauddin MSW LCSW ACSW

In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent and the Most Merciful

Editorial:

As part of practicing Islam we need to be vigilant in terms of being away from drinking alcohol or abusing illegal drugs. We also need to be extra careful when it comes to protecting our children from being lured and exposed to temptations of drinking through various ways including the media, social circle that the children associate with et.c.

Consumption of alcohol has harmful effects on the individual and the society, some of the below verses of the Quran will reflect on the prohibition of Alcohol in Islam.

Surah 2:219

"They ask about intoxicants and greed of chance. Say: In both of them there is a great sin and means of profit for men, and their sin is greater than their profit. And they ask you to what they should spend. Say: What you can spare. Thus does Allah make clear to you the communications, that you may ponder".

Surah 4:43

"O you who believe! do not go near prayer when you are Intoxicated until you know (well) what you say..."

Surah 5:90

"O, Ye who believe! wine and game of chance and idols and divining arrows are only the abomination of Satan's handiwork. So shun each of them that you may prosper".

Below is an excellent article titled: Kids drunk in Cyberspace

KIDS DRUNK IN CYBERSPACE
(Patrick Moore. tech.yahoo.com)

"As the alcohol industry has effectively lobbied Congress and their advertising dollars feed the mainstream media, and little attention is paid to the very real and significant effects of their marketing campaigns focused on the youth market.

Big alcohol companies have turned to the internet and mobile devices to market booze to underage drinkers. They face some restrictions when it comes to television, since alcohol companies are supposed to limit advertising to thirty percent or less underage audience, but the online marketing projections are not measured carefully, so the weaker projections and enforcement make online marketing attractive to alcohol companies who want to get around established codes.

The Marin Institute, reports that big alcohol companies have found a new way to put corporate greed in front of the principles of "responsibility and service".

We should be spending our time worrying about something that really kills American teens: "Underage drinking". Liquor brands like Anheuser-Busch try to create a smoke screen by creating web sites full of kid-enticing interactive features such as games but then saying that the sites are for adults only. As the companies well know that the kids can easily access the sites.

A Georgetown University study reports on some sites, underage youths made up to a significant proportion of total visitors 58.6 percent on bacardi.com, 47.4 percent on skyy.com, and 34 percent on budlight.com. That's no surprise given that any teenager can bypass the ineffective age restriction and these sites by entering a 21+ date of birth.

The link between booze advertising, underage drinking and the progression to alcoholism, all wrapped in a huge emotional and economic price tag to American society, has been proven "study after study". Instead of feeding the media frenzy about sexual predators on the internt, perhaps we should be spending our time worrying about something that really kills American teens - underage drinking. (Patrick Moore)

THE END

Islamic Psychotherapy Online

(Revised version)
Volume 11, November 2009
St. Louis, Missouri

Editor: Mohamed Ziauddin

In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficial and the Most Merciful

SUICIDE AMONG THE ELDERLY:
IMPLICATIONS FOR THE ELDERLY MUSLIMS.

Suicide is a major problem in the United States impacting individuals of different age groups. In terms of the elderly (age 65 and older), although they comprise about 13 percent of the U.S. population, they account for over 18 percent of all suicides. As indicated in the past, our Muslim Ummah is not immune from the contemporary problems facing our society in the U.S. today.

A significant percentage of American Muslims are immigrants who have been born overseas. Many of the immigrants, once they are settled down, consider it only but natural to sponsor their parents and bring them to live with them in the U.S.

On the positive side, both the parents and the children are generally happy to be living together again. The children have a feeling of personal contentment that for all the sacrifices made by the parents, the least they could do is to bring their parents to the U.S. and not only live with them but if possible show them around various local and out of town tourist places within the United States et.c.

However given the economic realities in the US where both husband and wife had to work to support the family, in many cases it leads to increased loneliness of the parents during the the hours of work of their children and in-laws. Many of the elderly lack fluency in English and this makes it difficult to communicate with the new social circle that they may have made in their local neighborhood. In communities where there is large Muslim population, it makes it easier for them to initiate and maintain contacts with other elderly persons who share their same language, culture, nation of birth and or religion.

As far as the socialization is concerned for the elderly immigrants, it is possible mostly during weekends, when in most cases the elderly persons would have the company of their children with them and have greater opportunities to leave the house either to visit their local Mosque, or to host or be a guest at parties, functions and anniversaries.

One of the realities for the elderly is that many of them have not just one or two but multiple medical problems and they have to deal with it on a day to day basis. It becomes more hard during the work week when they have no physical or emotional support during most of the day. In many cases, the children may call from work to see how the parent is doing, but it makes a difference when the same child is at home to assist the parent(s) with his /her multiple medical problems.

The extent and frequency to which the elderly parent may need the assistance from the children varies widely depending upon the severity of their medical condition. Many times the child may take off from work to take the parent on Dr's appointments or to hospital as needed.

At times the parent feels guilty of taking away the time of their child from work and worry if frequent such time offs from work may adversely affect the child's ability to maintain his or her employment in good standing. The elderly parent's guilt may be significantly impacting him or her but they may not verbalize it. This coupled with other ongoing stressors on the elderly may be taking a silent toll. It is always important to KEEP THE COMMUNICATION LINES OPEN not only between the elderly parent and the child but also encourage the elderly parent to reach out and contact other socially supportive resources in the area whatever they may be.

Too frequently the major stressor for the Muslim elderly parent may be the multiple medical problems. Besides the above, there may be other problems such as financial problems in the family that they are currently living and their own feelings of guilt of becoming a financial liability to their children, problems with not having insurance or having only partial insurance or difficulty making the huge co-payments for their medical expenses while being hospitalized or for getting their medications et.c.

It could also be relationship problems with the child or child's spouse (in-laws). Or to complicate matters, their medical condition may be worse to the point that they need to be supervised 24/7 which involves their transfer to a nursing facility Not knowing fluent English and feeling lonely and/or abandoned at a nursing home could further increase their sense of alienation from their traditional support system and also increase their stress level. If the multiple stressors continue with no resolution, very likely it may lead to depression and if left untreated it may end in suicide.

Not surprisingly, the most common cause for elderly suicide is depression that has not been treated. It is to be noted that about one third of the elderly experience depression. Before assuming the depression purely from a psychiatric view point, it is important for the elderly to receive a physical examination from a medical doctor to rule out physical basis for depression.

Some physical conditions may cause symptoms of depression. For example, thyroid disorders, diabetes, Parkinsons disease, multiple sclerosis, strokes, tumors and some viral infections may cause symptoms that mimic depression.

Similarly, some medications may cause symptoms of depression such as blood pressure medication, arthritis medicaton, hormones and steroids.

It is important that an elderly person who has gone through a recent and major stressor must be closely monitored. Some elderly persons may be in denial of their depression or hide their depresson for various reasons. Therefore it is all the more critical to watch closely for any hint of a suicide warning sign or depressive symptom. Elderly persons must be encouraged to seek help.

As Islamic Psychotherapists we call upon all Islamic Centers to ensure that they not only have a SOCIAL SERVICE COMMITTEE but also have a sub-committee that aims to assist the elderly Muslims by taking the following steps:

1) Identify the number of elderly Muslims in the Islamic Center's catchement area that are in need and willing to receive supplemental help from the Islamic Center. We use the word "supplemental" because there is already an assumption that the Federal, State, Local Govt and other private social service organizations are already providing the PRIMARY help to the elderly.

2) Assign a Voluntary Ansar (Case Worker) to the elderly Muslim who need intensive case management. We mean intensive in those cases where the elderly Muslim has very minimal support from family if any. The case worker can monitor the elderly Muslim by frequent and regular phone contact, provide ongoing referrals and links to other social service agencies in the community including (if needed) home health care et.c, Meals on Wheels services et.c. Last but not the least be of immense emotional support to the elderly Muslim.

It was sad to note during one of my earlier visits to a elderly Muslim in a nursing home who told me that that for the past several years, there was not a single Muslim that visited him. All of his relatives were oversees and his primary social support initially came when he was living in an apartment in the community and visiting the local Mosque. As his medical condition worsened to the point that he could not physically take care of himself and his medical needs, there was no option but to be permanently placed in a nursing home. WHEN WE TALK ABOUT THE UMMAH, it is here that we need to REALLY CARE FOR THE MOST VULNERABLE AND HELPLESS GROUPS OF PEOPLE WITHIN OUR COMMUNITY.

Anyone needing help to start above Social Service Commitee and subcommitee for the elderly at their local Islamic Center are welcome to e-mail us at below e-mail address and we will be glad to assist them.

As usual, feel free to e-mail your valuable opinion and comments to mehrunyusuficds.com.

Islamic Psychotherapy Online

(Revised Version)
Volume 10, October 2009

St. Louis, Missouri

Editor: Mohamed Ziauddin

In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent and the Most Merciful

FOCUS OF THE WEEK:

Enhancing the Happiness of your wife

GEMS FROM THE HOLY QURAN:

(1) Surah Al-Baqarah 2:230

“And women have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable”.

(2) Surah Ar Rum 30:21

“And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind, so that you might include towards them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think”.

(3) Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187

“…They (wife) are as a garment for you, and you are as a garment for them”.

(4) Surah Al Nisa: 4:1

“O Mankind, be conscious of your Sustainer, who has created you out of one living entity (nafs) and out of it created its mate, and out of the two spread abroad a multitude of men and women. And remain conscious of God, in whose name you demand your rights from one another, and of these ties of kinship, verily, GOD IS EVER WATCHFUL OVER YOU”.

(5) Surah Al Tawbah 9:71:

“And (as for) the believers, both men and women – they are friends and protectors of one another: they (all) enjoin the doing of what is right and forbid the doing of what is wrong, and are constant in prayer, and render the purifying dues, and pay heed unto God and His Apostle. It is they upon whom God will bestow His Grace; verily, God is Almighty, Wise”.

(6) Surah Al-Baqarah 2:231

“Do not retain them against their will in order to hurt….”

(7) Surah Al Nisa 4:128

“And if a woman has reason to fear ill-treatment from her husband, or that he might turn away from her, it shall not be wrong for the two to set things peacefully to rights between themselves, for peace is best, and selfishness is ever-present in human souls…”

(8) Surah An Nisa: 4:19

“It is NOT lawful for you to try to hold your wives against their will, and neither shall you keep them under constraint with a view of taking away anything of what you may have given them, unless it be that they have become guilty of immoral conduct in an obvious manner. Consort with wives in a good manner, for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet make a source of abundant good”.

(9) Surah Al Nisa 4:34

“Men are the (quawwamuna) support of women as God gives some more means than others, and because they spend of their wealth (to provide for them). So women who are virtuous are obedient to God and guard the hidden as God has guarded it. As for women you feel are averse, talk to them persuasively; then leave them alone in bed (without having sexual relations with them) and go to bed with them (when they are willing). If they open out to you, do not seek an excuse for blaming them. Surely God is Sublime and Great”.

(10) Surah Al Nisa 4:77

“Art thou not aware of those who have been told “Curb your hands….”

(11) Surah Al Imran 3:134

“…and hold in check their anger….”

(12) Surah 42;41-42:

“But indeed if any do help and defend themselves after a wrong (done) to them, against such there is no cause of blame. The blame is only against those who oppress in wrongdoing and insolently transgress beyond bounds, defying right and justice; for such there will be a penalty grievous”.

(13) Surah Al Baqqrah 2:217“Oppression is worse than killing”.

GEMS FROM HADITH: SAYINGS OF PROPHET MOHAMED (pbuh)

(1) “The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family:”

(2) “NEVER beat God’s handmaidens”.

(3) “O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women BUT THEY ALSO HAVE RIGHTS OVER YOU. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right, then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers”.

(4) “Your wife has a right against you and your children have a right against you. Give to everyone their rightful claims”.

APPLICATION OF ISLAMIC GEMS IN MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS:

In an increased Islamophobic era, it is all the more important for the Muslim husbands to truly practice what Islam is, in terms of their respectful and caring relationship with their wives.

A significantly large percentage of anti-Islamic propaganda focuses on the status of women and this includes the attitude of the Muslim husband towards his wife. This is an area of improvement for most Muslim husbands. Certain negative behaviors of Muslim husbands are more from their regional, national and cultural background than from Islam.

Unfortunately for the Islam bashers some of whom are myopic, they don’t see the difference. Nevertheless, it is the responsibility of the Muslim husband to have a sound knowledge of Islam in terms of the above and clearly be able to distinguish and separate out the cultural from the Islamic value system and practice what is Islamic and weed out the negative cultural practices.

Needless to say, one of the most important aspect of husband-wife relationship is the communication between them. Towards this end, it is important that the husband ensures that he understands and communicates with his wife in a way that strengthens their relationship.

DIFFERENCE OF OPINION will always be there in relationships whether it is employer-employee, husband-wife, father-daughter, brother-sister or between friends. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS HOW ONE RESPONDS TO DIFFERENCE OF OPINIONS. Such a response may MAKE OR BREAK A RELATIONSHIP. Divorce and the end of relationship occurs not because of the common points between the couple but because of the way they or one of them responded to difference of opinions between themselves.

Areas of conflict for a couple may be due to a number of reasons and may pertain to finances, in-law issues, trust, parenting issues, career related issues, Islamic issues, domination and control issues et.c. It is important that the couple be clear to distinguish the areas that are WITHIN THEIR CONTROL and areas that are BEYOND THEIR CONTROL in terms of dealing with the causes and perpetuation of their ongoing marital stresses. It is strongly recommended that the couple invest their limited energy on focusing on areas THAT ARE WITHIN THEIR CONTROL.

In many long term marital conflict situations, it is the same conflictual issues that raise its ugly head over and over again in a cyclic manner. Unfortunately due to absence of seeking appropriate psycho therapeutic help and learning new tools to respond, the couple continues to respond to such cyclic conflictual issues in the same inappropriate and ineffective ways that they used in the past without much success. Not surprisingly, the same conflictual issue may temporarily fade away only to return back yet once again and further feed into the cycle of marital stresses for the distressed couple.

IT IS IN THE ABOVE CONTEXT, THAT ISLAMIC PSYCHOTHERAPY COULD BE OF TREMENDOUS HELP TO ASSIST THE COUPLE TO LEARN NEW TOOLS TO EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH DIFFERENCE OF OPINIONS IN A HEALTHY MANNER. SUCH TECHNIQUES ARE COMPLETELY FREE OF VERBAL OR PHYSICAL ABUSE OR DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY.

Use the power of “good sense of humor”. Be cheerful as often as possible, have fun and enjoyment with your wife. Prophet Mohamed (SAW) would (have a running) race with his wife Aisha (RAA) in the desert.

The husband should also make himself presentable. Just as a husband wants his wife to look nice for him, he needs to realize that his wife also wants the same. Prophet Mohamed (SAW) would always brush with miswak before returning home and loved the sweetest of smells.

If you feel that your wife made a mistake and is wrong, instead of being verbally abusive or losing temper and using curse words, it is preferable that you remain silent and don’t comment on her wrong. On the other hand, when she does something good, don’t take it for granted and keep quiet. Instead recognize the good you observed in her actions, appreciate her and reinforce the same by thanking her. Being silent on her wrong with above positive affirmation on her good action, would very likely make her realize the difference. When Prophet Mohamed (SAW) would see something inappropriate from his wives – Radi Allahu Anhun, he would remain silent and not comment.

Affection can be shown by many ways including frequently smiling and embracing your wife. Prophet Mohamed (SAW) stated that smiling is charity and why not earn free rewards on a daily basis besides working to strengthen your relationship with your wife.

Call your wife by the sweetest of names. Prophet Mohamed (SAW_ had called his wives by nicknames that they loved.

As part of regular communication specially during changing phases of life and circumstances, ask your wife to write down the top five wishes she would love from you and try your best to implement it to the best of your ability.

Comfort her in the most challenging times to the best of your ability. Don’t downplay or ignore her inner most wishes and desires. Once Prophet Mohamed (SAW) observed his wife Safiyyah (RAA) was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her and brought her another camel.

Marital life will have its challenges on a continual basis and a good communication backed with working towards common marital objectives will facilitate and make it easier for both partners to be able to work together on resolving such challenges.

(Husband and wife Justin Valanzola and Sarah Boyle read the Quran soon after getting home from work. The couple converted to Islam while attending the university).(yahoo.news)

Last but not the least; make regular duaa to Allah to assist you both in bringing lasting peace of mind and happiness in your marital life.

As usual, feel free to email your valuable comments to mehrunyusuficds.com